Liftingfaces

The art of David Sherry.

The art of Chris Schiavo.

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If you like going to the DMV, or think our tax code is like totally awesome, then you’re going to LOVE going to the doctor once the government steps in to rescue our health care system! See you at the doctor’s office… in line… with all of our forms… and three ball point pens… and our birth certificates… and our checkbooks. Yay!

(CELEBRITIES ONLY)

5. Mickey Rourke – Rourke reportedly states that his plastic surgery was a means to simply correct the imperfections caused by years of amateur boxing. Fair enough. Nose job, no problem. Cheek implants, not really necessary, but I hear he broke a cheekbone. But the lip implants, face lifts, etc. seem to go above and beyond the call of duty.

4. Leona Helmsley – “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” Ms. Helmsley was a tax evading hotel billionaire, and something of a tyrant. The Queen of Mean served 18 months in prison (reporting to the clink on, you guessed it, April 15… tax day). She saved enough of her fortune to succesfully mangle her face, however, before passing away from congestive heart failure at age 87.

She left most of her $4 billion estate to her own charitable trust, $15 million to her brother, $10 million each to two of her four grandchildren. The other two received nothing (allegedly because they did not name any of their children after their grandfather Harry). However, she did set aside $12 million to her dog Trouble. Aww!

3. Joan Rivers – Once the sidekick to late show legend Johnny Carson, Ms. Rivers has been the guinea pig for plastic surgeons since the late 80′s. But when her husband committed suicide just one week after she left him (she was having liposuction when she received the call), some speculated she spent many years and dollars trying to reinvent herself, to be somebody she never was: beautiful.

She is unabashed about having work done, and believes you should spend your money on you (literally). “Better a new face coming out of an old car, than and old face coming out of a new car.” Oh, the irony.

2. Donnatella Versace – Since taking over for her lat father Gianni, Donnatella has undergone a series of interesting procedures, the most notable being her lip augmentation, which looks to me like two inntertubes stuffed under her skin then inflated to the point of bursting. Botox forehead, breast implants, and who knows what else, we sort of have to question the taste of this couture fashionista, do we not?

1. Michael Jackson – The recently deceased (cause of death wildly speculative though still under investgation) King of Pop is obviously the most extreme case of a makeover gone awry. We all know of his troubled youth, his abusive father, and his never-ending desire to be a child at heart. But we also know that he used to be a black man.

One of the most important black men in history, as a matter of fact. He brought people of every shape, size and color together in rejoice. All of the infamy did nothing to assuage the troubles lurking beneath the surface. A severe addiction to pain killers, and what many speculate to be a passion to shed his ethnicity, lead to a series of incrementally damaging surgical procedures.

Not only did he lose the ability to not look startled, the ability to smell through his undersized triangular nostrils, and the ability to grow facial hair on his cleft chin without looking like a prepubescent criminal, but he also bleached his skin from head to toe supposedly in order to match the pigment loss caused by an apparent case of vitiligo, a condition also suffered by Chris Smith of the 90′s rap duo Kriss Kross.

The art of Alan del Rio Ortiz.

(This is a new section, which I plan to update weekly. Each week I will build a five song playlist around a theme. I will try to be as specific and unexpected as I can, while still offering up cohesive mixes. Enjoy!)

“Houndstooth Blues”

My very first theme is what I’m calling the Houndstooth Blues. Each of these songs conjured images of a lonely Scotsman in his bedroom on a rainy afternoon, thumbing his Houndstooth vest with vacant eyes gazing past his ruddy window sill. If you’re not sure what Houndstooth is, well, nevermind then!

1. Ed Harcourt Shadowboxing
2. Andrew Bird Armchairs
3. Duran Duran Ordinary World
4. July Skies The English Cold
5. Thomas Dybdahl One Day You’ll Dance for Me, New York City

Download Mixtape.

“This one’s for the critics and their disappointed mothers.” – Spencer Krug

My new favorite TV show? Why have I never heard of this? So wonderfully shot, edited, and even the host is interesting. Gotta love rights-free terms like “Facetube” and “Gamestation”. Ha.

Dear Work,

Today was a big day for our daughter Grace; it was the day we decided to upgrade her from a crib to a daybed. It was easy, just remove a front rail and replace it with a single crossbar. Nothing to it. Shortly after converting the bed, we brought her into her room and she jumped right up and got “cozy”. She loved it at once.

Later in the afternoon it was nap time, and we tucked her in with her favorite blanket and mommy’s pillow (you know, because she’s a big girl now).

Fifiteen minutes later, as Erin and I were eating lunch in the dining room directly below Grace’s room, we heard a THUD. We were prepared for the possibility of Grace falling from her bed a few times before getting used to it, of course, but didn’t expect it so soon.

We rushed upstairs to find our two year old bawling on the floor, on her knees, with mommy’s pillow entirely over her head. She had somehow managed to get herself caught between the pillow and the slipcase. No suffocation, mind you, plenty air thru the cotton.

We picked her up and did our normal consoling, the same as we do when she falls on the pavement or bumps her head on a table. But this time was different. This time she wouldn’t hug us like normal. This time she only held onto us with her left arm, keeping her right arm tucked against her little ribcage.

We didn’t like that, so we tested her out to see if anything could get her to loosen up after her understandably traumatic fall. A popsicle maybe? Nope. A walk outside on the grass, perhaps, one of her favorite things? Nope. Nothing was working, she kept nursing that right arm, and crying in surges whenever it was affected.

Erin drove Grace to the hopsital, where she was admitted into the ER and x-rayed, all the while hysterical and in pain. After a couple of hours the results were back. The x-ray had confirmed the doctor’s suspicion:

Grace had fractured her collar bone clean through.

She needed immediate anti-inflammatory medicine along with pain relief. Six hours, a makeshift sling (they don’t make proper slings for two-year-olds), a steady supply of Children’s Motrin and a prescription for Tylenol 3 later, Grace is back in her bed, asleep, for now.

Yes, I turned her bed back into a crib shortly after the incident. Yes, I am harboring a high amount of guilt at the decision to upgrade our daughter’s sleeping situation. And yes, I’d like to work from home tomorrow and be with my daughter in her time of stress and pain.

I hope you understand, as I hate to have to miss coming into work. Please call or write if there is any need for me to be present. I will try and work it out.

Thank you for understanding,

…ryan

UPDATE: We visited the orthopedic doctor today, who gave us an XS sling for her arm, which she doesn’t want to wear but we try and keep it on. She’s doing well today, all things considered. A little hazy from the medicine, but her normal self, with little regard for the golf ball sized red lump on her collar. Doctor things three weeks and she’s back to normal, four days before the pain subsides. Here’s to hoping.